aging family

To end our semester we went over the "aging family" which is the part of marriage after the kids have grown up and moved out. We went through the boomerang generation, retirement, grand-parenting, and death of a spouse. Each of these were changing points within the lifespan and we discussed the hardships of these points and also what we can learn and how we can grow from them.

First off is the boomerang generation. According to recent statistics, now more than ever, young people or couples are moving back home with their parents. There are several reasons to why couples will move back in with the parents. First, after college, couples need a place to live that is cheep in order to transition into the "real world." Also because of today's economy, it is hard to find a job, so they move back in with their parents in order to save money. I think the challenges that come with this is pretty apparent. New boundaries need to be set and responsibilities need to be distributed. but one thing that we can learn from this is a young couple can see how a seasoned couple interacts and communicates with each other. The older couple can also look at their children and their young relationship and reminisce on their past. Usually with our autobiographical memory we remember more of the good than the bad. So remembering the good can strengthen the relationship.

Retirement can be a hard transition for some. My father had a hard time with his retirement for a time until he became fully involved in his church as a bishop. It is pretty extreme to go from working 40+ hours a week to not working at all. My father for example, became board. My mother had a couple projects for him that kept him busy, but it just wasn't the same. Sometimes when couples spend more time together, the begin to conflict and argue with one another. But couples also have more opportunity to spend time with each other and do things with each other in retirement. It is when we become idle that we generally start to critique each other. That is why we need to stay active in retirement. Take vacations, plant a garden, or just go visit family. Do things together.

The loss of a spouse is a very hard thing, especially for those who have been together for such a long time. Just finding a routine that doesn't involve the other spouse. Finding something that we can learn from the loss of a spouse can be very difficult. But one main thing that I can think of and that we discussed in class is that after the death of a spouse we will really analyze where we fit in our family and we can find our importance and our influence that we still carry on our children and grandchildren.

In life, we will have many turning points that will "rock our world." these can be hard to adjust to and sometimes they are very hard to deal with. But one thing that we have to keep in mind is that there is always something to learn from it and a way that it can strengthen your family and marriage.

Divorce and Blended Family

We all know that divorce can be hard for children. But oddly enough, according to research it isn't the girls that have the hardest time dealing with the divorce, it is actually the boys. But, how is that?

To me it seems very strange that boys have a rougher time with parents getting a divorce than girls do. You would think that girls have more emotional ties to the parents and that they would take it personally. But, I think that this study takes more of a long-term look at the effects on the children. In a divorce, the mother tends to gain the most custody over the children, and when the parents relocate themselves, the children go with the mother. Without the father figure in the house, the boy tends to feel the need to take up the roll of becoming the father, which is a lot of pressure on the boy, so they tend to act out. Also, another reason to this finding can be because the father is the one who is the disciplinary parent, and without that balance, the boys will start acting out. There are a lot of possibilities to what it can be caused by. The main thing that we need to take into mind is that we need to be aware of the difficulties that the boys will have. When we think of the girls taking it more personally, we tend to be more compassionate to the girl and talk to them about their feelings and how they interpret the situation. We need to also be compassionate and aware of the boys and talk to them about their interpretations of the divorce. Prevention is usually the easier way to go.

Parenting

Today there are so many different people saying that they know the “right way” to parent. Some of these ideas are complete opposites of each other, but both swear to it being the “right way.” And sometimes it is really hard not to buy into some of these extreme ideas that one way is better than the other. But, the fact of the matter is that there is no one perfect way to raise each child. Every child is different, and every child is going to have different experiences. So pretty much what I am saying is that what might work really well for one child, might not work for another child. Some children require a firm voice and distinct punishments, but other children just need to have it explained to them of why what they are doing is wrong.

But there is also only so much that we can really do when our children grow and mature to think for themselves. I have seen some of the smartest and strongest parents watch their children make some pretty stupid choices that pretty much destroy their lives. Does that mean that these parents didn't do a very good job? No, not at all. We can’t force our children to make decisions. We can teach them what is right and wrong, but they still have the choice to do what is right or what is wrong. Now, I do have to say that I am not yet a parent, so I don’t know exactly what it is like to be a parent, but I do understand the concept of choosing for yourself. My parents were pretty close to perfect. I think that I turned out pretty good. But that is not the theme for all of my brothers. I have five brothers, so out of the six of us, five have turned out pretty good. One of my brothers on the other hand decided that the things that weren't congruent to what my parents wanted him to do. Does that mean that my parents weren't a good parent to him? Or maybe that if they did something a little different with him that he would be different? I’m not sure that he would be very different if they had decided to discipline him different. But I do know that my parents were pretty close to perfect for my family.

                                                           

This is what I am the most afraid of when I start my own family. I am afraid of what the world will be like for them when they start to make decisions on their own. I don’t know what kind of influences they will have or decisions they will have to make. But nobody can make those kinds of predictions. So who is to say what is the “right way” to parent?

Family Crisis

No matter what kind of preparation a family makes, each family will have a family crisis. But what is a crisis? A crisis is sometimes seen as just a problem, but it is much more than the problem. The problem is just the initial event. There is a lot to a crisis, which encompasses everything including the problem, reaction, and opportunity.

  A crisis is something that can come in and threaten family intimacy. It is an event that can literally make or break a family. After the initial stressor of the crisis, comes the opportunity that we are talking about. The ways that we choose to react and deal with the crisis gives us the opportunity to either strengthen or destroy our family. There are a variety of ways that we can choose to cope with a crisis. Some are effective, and others are not. Crisis’s come without a choice, but we do choose what to do next. A family with an alcoholic parent can use denial to refuse to accept the fact that someone has a drinking problem or that the drinking will soon just stop. The Family can also take the opportunity to come together and tackle the problem together as a unit. The alcoholic has the choice to continue to drink or to stop drinking, but the rest of the family will be closely bonded together and the act of drinking will not be accepted, so the drinker will have to choose between being a part of the family unit or not, and the alcoholic no longer threatens the family intimacy, only the intimacy between him/her and the family. A family that experiences the death of a loved one can choose to blame each other of shortcomings, but they are also given the opportunity to mourn together and lift each other up, strengthening the intimacy that binds a family together. 
                                                       

Relationship Attachment Model (RAM)

                                    

The Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) is something that we talked a little bit in out class one week that I found to be very vital to those in the dating world. In dating and courtship, it is so important for someone to understand the steps in making sure that they are in "love" and not just "infatuated."

Earlier I talked about the chemical side of love. It is important to understand what is going on in the brain in order to understand this model. The RAM show why people end up in such unhealthy relationships, and it also shows how to make sure you end up in a healthy relationship. In the RAM there are five ways that people bond, and there is also a close correlation to each of them.

The first is to KNOW. Knowledge of an individual will grow through quality time spent together. It is important to understand that there is a difference between quality time and just time. You don't get to know somebody by watching a movie together. You get to know them by going on walks, playing games, pretty much anything that causes you to communicate with each other. As you get to know somebody, you start to TRUST them. You cannot absolutely trust somebody unless you know them. As you trust them, you begin to RELY on them. If you cant trust them, you cant rely on them and the relationship fails. It is only when you start to rely on someone that you should start to COMMIT. Each relationship needs commitment, but each commitment needs trust and the ability to rely on each other. It is only after the commitment part that the TOUCH should go up. I cannot stress how important this one is.




Earlier when I was talking about chemical release in love, there was a lot of chemicals related to touch. Through romantic touch, such as a kiss, oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin is released. Oxytocin is the cuddle drug that makes us feel more comfortable in the arms of a loved one. This can be mistaken for trust. Dopamine is the learning drug that conditions us. This can be mistaken for knowing someone and being committed to an individual. Seritonin is the happy drug that makes everything seem okay. So it is obvious that premature touch makes it seem like each of the levels are higher than they really are, giving us an illusion of a healthy relationship. This is why it is important to follow these in order and make sure that you are concentrating on the KNOW part. Through knowing someone, we ca truly see how healthy our relationship is and through holding off on the touch we can avoid the illusions and see the relationship as it is.

Family and Immigration

         Earlier in the semester we talked about the family structure and the effects of immigration. We read  a research paper that focused on immigration from Mexico to the United States. In the study conducted they mentioned that acculturation into the American culture caused a decrease in familism. This is greatly caused by the individualistic influence that the American culture holds. Roles were shifted by the separation of families. Some fathers left early to America to get a job and create a foundation for the family to move. Most of the time, families were separated for 3 or more years. Rules become stricter within the family due to the new dangers and fear of being exported. The children became the median between the Mexican and the American cultures because they would attend schools and we more able to adapt to the new culture. All of these changes come about with little expectation, but without the realization on how severe these changes would be. For example I believe that the families knew that they would have stricter rules, but did not anticipate the effects that it would have. They also knew that when the father would leave, that it would be for a while but did not realize how the roles would shift and how that would have such a lasting effect.

                                     

             It would be pretty difficult to offer a family that is experiencing this type of difficulty because I haven’t really experienced this type of situation. The closest thing that I have experienced is my mission in Russia. Our readings state that there are programs that help decrease the stresses of acculturation and address issues in family relationships caused by the immigration process. The main thing that people need to understand is that there is a great deal of stress brought on by assimilating into a new culture. Immigrants from Mexico also have to deal with the fact that they might not see their extended family that still live in Mexico. For a family with strong familism, that can be very difficult to deal with.

Fatherhood

              

                                         

              When writing a paper for my class, I came upon a great website that talked about efective fathering; https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/fatherhood/chapterfour.cfm the website gave several attrabutes that an effective father partrays. The first attrabute that that they gave was “Fostering  a positive relationship with the children’s mother.” The virtues that a father displays in his relationship with the children’s mother is setting an important example to the children. This reminds me of the youtube video where daughters are saying that loving her mother is the most important thing that their father could do. They bring up the point that by loving their mothers, their father is showing them not to settle in choosing their spouse. That loving their mother is showing them how to treat others, and how love heals wounds, and how to treat others. The article gives statistics in how fathers that treat their wife’s with love have children that suffered less from depression, anxiety, anger, and are all around healthier

                The second is spending time with their children. This to me is a given for effective fathering. This gives the father the opportunity to get to know his children, and the children the opportunity to get to know their father. The father can then get to know the problems and weaknesses of the child, and lift them up and help them. Time is not only the act of being around each other, but that they need to be actively engaged in productive activities. This is very different than spending time in passive activities such as watching television. Fathers should also spend time in fostering the child’s intellectual growth.

                                                   

                The third attribute that stood out to me was disciplining children appropriately. It is sometimes hard for a man to be in control of his emotions, body language, and his hands when disciplining. But fathers who scream, pound on things, or hit their children are both modeling bad behavior and they also lose their child’s respect when the father lets his emotions control him.

                The fourth attribute sounds like it came right out of the proclamation to the family. It is protecting and providing. A father needs to make the child feel safe and secure. Most fathers that are underemployed feel inadequate and sometimes lead them to anger or depression. But not only does a father need to provide financial security, they need to provide social security in their social environment. They need to keep track of their whereabouts and activities. It is one way of becoming involved in a child’s life, but also being protective of their surroundings and environments that they subject themselves to.

                                                           

                The last to me kind of sums it all up, which is being a role model. That one is very broad in that everything that a father does is going to mean something to their children. If the father is always gone, it could be interpreted as a lack of love. One of the points the author points out is that a father needs to admit to his children when he is wrong. Many men see apologizing to their children as a weakness and that the child may lose respect for their father, but in reality the opposite is true. What some men think is a sign of weakness to their children, is really a sign of strength.