aging family

To end our semester we went over the "aging family" which is the part of marriage after the kids have grown up and moved out. We went through the boomerang generation, retirement, grand-parenting, and death of a spouse. Each of these were changing points within the lifespan and we discussed the hardships of these points and also what we can learn and how we can grow from them.

First off is the boomerang generation. According to recent statistics, now more than ever, young people or couples are moving back home with their parents. There are several reasons to why couples will move back in with the parents. First, after college, couples need a place to live that is cheep in order to transition into the "real world." Also because of today's economy, it is hard to find a job, so they move back in with their parents in order to save money. I think the challenges that come with this is pretty apparent. New boundaries need to be set and responsibilities need to be distributed. but one thing that we can learn from this is a young couple can see how a seasoned couple interacts and communicates with each other. The older couple can also look at their children and their young relationship and reminisce on their past. Usually with our autobiographical memory we remember more of the good than the bad. So remembering the good can strengthen the relationship.

Retirement can be a hard transition for some. My father had a hard time with his retirement for a time until he became fully involved in his church as a bishop. It is pretty extreme to go from working 40+ hours a week to not working at all. My father for example, became board. My mother had a couple projects for him that kept him busy, but it just wasn't the same. Sometimes when couples spend more time together, the begin to conflict and argue with one another. But couples also have more opportunity to spend time with each other and do things with each other in retirement. It is when we become idle that we generally start to critique each other. That is why we need to stay active in retirement. Take vacations, plant a garden, or just go visit family. Do things together.

The loss of a spouse is a very hard thing, especially for those who have been together for such a long time. Just finding a routine that doesn't involve the other spouse. Finding something that we can learn from the loss of a spouse can be very difficult. But one main thing that I can think of and that we discussed in class is that after the death of a spouse we will really analyze where we fit in our family and we can find our importance and our influence that we still carry on our children and grandchildren.

In life, we will have many turning points that will "rock our world." these can be hard to adjust to and sometimes they are very hard to deal with. But one thing that we have to keep in mind is that there is always something to learn from it and a way that it can strengthen your family and marriage.

Divorce and Blended Family

We all know that divorce can be hard for children. But oddly enough, according to research it isn't the girls that have the hardest time dealing with the divorce, it is actually the boys. But, how is that?

To me it seems very strange that boys have a rougher time with parents getting a divorce than girls do. You would think that girls have more emotional ties to the parents and that they would take it personally. But, I think that this study takes more of a long-term look at the effects on the children. In a divorce, the mother tends to gain the most custody over the children, and when the parents relocate themselves, the children go with the mother. Without the father figure in the house, the boy tends to feel the need to take up the roll of becoming the father, which is a lot of pressure on the boy, so they tend to act out. Also, another reason to this finding can be because the father is the one who is the disciplinary parent, and without that balance, the boys will start acting out. There are a lot of possibilities to what it can be caused by. The main thing that we need to take into mind is that we need to be aware of the difficulties that the boys will have. When we think of the girls taking it more personally, we tend to be more compassionate to the girl and talk to them about their feelings and how they interpret the situation. We need to also be compassionate and aware of the boys and talk to them about their interpretations of the divorce. Prevention is usually the easier way to go.

Parenting

Today there are so many different people saying that they know the “right way” to parent. Some of these ideas are complete opposites of each other, but both swear to it being the “right way.” And sometimes it is really hard not to buy into some of these extreme ideas that one way is better than the other. But, the fact of the matter is that there is no one perfect way to raise each child. Every child is different, and every child is going to have different experiences. So pretty much what I am saying is that what might work really well for one child, might not work for another child. Some children require a firm voice and distinct punishments, but other children just need to have it explained to them of why what they are doing is wrong.

But there is also only so much that we can really do when our children grow and mature to think for themselves. I have seen some of the smartest and strongest parents watch their children make some pretty stupid choices that pretty much destroy their lives. Does that mean that these parents didn't do a very good job? No, not at all. We can’t force our children to make decisions. We can teach them what is right and wrong, but they still have the choice to do what is right or what is wrong. Now, I do have to say that I am not yet a parent, so I don’t know exactly what it is like to be a parent, but I do understand the concept of choosing for yourself. My parents were pretty close to perfect. I think that I turned out pretty good. But that is not the theme for all of my brothers. I have five brothers, so out of the six of us, five have turned out pretty good. One of my brothers on the other hand decided that the things that weren't congruent to what my parents wanted him to do. Does that mean that my parents weren't a good parent to him? Or maybe that if they did something a little different with him that he would be different? I’m not sure that he would be very different if they had decided to discipline him different. But I do know that my parents were pretty close to perfect for my family.

                                                           

This is what I am the most afraid of when I start my own family. I am afraid of what the world will be like for them when they start to make decisions on their own. I don’t know what kind of influences they will have or decisions they will have to make. But nobody can make those kinds of predictions. So who is to say what is the “right way” to parent?