For this past little while I have
been thinking about the myth “opposites attract.” I remember trying to argue
this point with friends and coworkers, but to no avail. So, I would like to
address this myth and some of the others pertaining to love. What actually
makes a strong and lasting relationship, aside from the oxytocin and dopamine releases?
I took
a human sexuality class in California, and we spent several weeks studying what
our teacher referred to as the “chemical imbalance in the brain.” We have all
either known or heard of that teenager that brings home that poor choice of a
boyfriend/girlfriend. One of the most common questions is “what does she/he see
in him/her?” The fact of the matter is that a teenager might not ‘see’ anything
in that person. When we begin an intimate relationship (sexual or non-sexual)
we begin to release a number of chemicals. We release the “learning drug”
dopamine, the “happy drugs” serotonin and norepinephrine, the “focus drug” amphetamine,
and the “cuddle drug” oxytocin.
So
after this “high” wears off, what keeps a couple together? Well, pertaining to
the original myth of opposites attract, one of the obvious answers that I am
going to address is that people love similarity. Just like in our daily
interactions with other people, we need to find a common ground. Couples who
have a similarity in beliefs, interests, values, social structure, physical attractiveness,
and economic standing are much more likely to create a lasting strong
relationship. This also goes along with the self-serving bias. We tend to like
things that are associates with ourselves and reflect ourselves. Just like if a
stranger’s face is morphed to include features of your own, we are more likely to
like the new face better. We just like things that resemble ourselves.
So,
when we compare similarity to complementary how do we find that we are
attracted to similarities? Don Byrne (1971) conducted an experiment on a
college campus to prove this fact. Imagine a girl, Sabrina gets into an in-depth
conversation with Carly and Crystal. Sabrina discovers that she agrees with
Carly on just about everything that she says. After the conversation is over,
Sabrina says “Carly is so intelligent and likable. I hope we meet again.” This
finding repeated itself again and again. Now, I do understand that there are
certain people who are not attracted to others whose needs and personalities
that are similar to their own. Just imagine a controlling person living with
another controlling person. The personalities will clash. So a person who is
controlling is more likely to be with someone who is submissive. But if the
controlling individual leads or directs the submissive individual in a
direction that is contradictory to his/her own thoughts and morals, a conflict
arises. So it still goes to say, similarities still build solid and lasting
relationships.
